Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
