dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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