i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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