i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
