I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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