I can tuck mytits in my pants
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Soap is not a condiment
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
