READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
