now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
