I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
