i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
