I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
