Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
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