He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
