ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
