Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
They left me at home... I'm a liability
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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