alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
