I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize