Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
