sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do vagina's smell?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.