apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
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i would one night stand the shit outta him
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
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Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?