I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
