so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
are you so shy because you have an std?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
