My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
