You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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