I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
