the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
