There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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