Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
