just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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