the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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