It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
