dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
