I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
