I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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