Porn is love you can see.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
