JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
