You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Randomize
