take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
