what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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