I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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