He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
