I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
