and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
