never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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