I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
