There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
