I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
