Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
