ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
