Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
