i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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