Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
