I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
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You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
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After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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