I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
