I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
