I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
