My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
