You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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