Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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