I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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