So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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