Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
