im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
