I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
