just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
