I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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